I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
