im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
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