Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
