me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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