Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
