woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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