Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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