i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
