you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
