Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
