I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
