I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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