The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
