so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
