If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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