Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
