i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
