I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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