According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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