youre lurking in front of me
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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