PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
