so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
