video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
