This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
