Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
