Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
