Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
pray to the hookup gods
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
