He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
