Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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