i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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