Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
