I puked a lego.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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