Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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