there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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