What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
