My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
