The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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