all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
