Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
