Cold hands, warm shart.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
