You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
