wakey wakey hands off snakey
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
