You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
