He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
