dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
