i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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