Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
