My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
id be glad to
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
