I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
