omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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