I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
